The Days on the Calendar after Death

“Bring me your suffering.
The rattle of broken bones.
Bring me the riot in your heart.
Angry, wild and raw.
Bring it all.
I am not afraid of the dark.”
~ Mia Hollow

If you’ve lost someone and you’re still grieving, I get it. If you haven’t and you don’t, lucky you.

Sadness slipped inside my skin today. She’d taken a vacation and I began to think of her in the past tense. I was making peace with my beloved’s passing and the signs from the other side waning. I’d be alright.

Until I wasn’t, again. The heaviness came upon me after days of living in my head and socializing.

It’s not that I’m pretending I’m fine with others. I am. In the moment.

That’s a giant leap from where I was when Kevin died a year ago.

Now, there are more good days than bad.

Today isn’t wretched, but I’m tired from digging my way out of Grief Canyon to get a better view.

For all my progress, I’m without him. Still.

I miss him like trees miss rain. Still.

I wail in the woods. Still.

Even with hope’s evidence before me.

After the death of my sister’s husband five years ago, she’s fallen in love again. It’s a beautiful example. I knew it would happen because she wanted it so fiercely she manifested this new love.

The only thing I want today is my yesterday man—not another one. The one who soothed my soul and served as alchemy to a better me.

In grief, we stand staring at our path with our only desire to run back.

The year my boyfriend died ended. A new year began. I drew a line in my mind, but it washed away like words in the sand at the beach.

On January 17th, friends and I celebrated my beloved’s birthday. While memories of his last two taunted me, I toasted him, ate Italian food, laughed, told stories, and ached for his presence.

I endured Valentine’s Day—that cheesy holiday I made fun of until he gave it meaning.

The anniversary of my beloved’s death came and went, like it does for so many.

We move on, but they’re all just days on a calendar. Without him.

 

6 thoughts on “The Days on the Calendar after Death

  1. “Today isn’t wretched, but I’m tired from digging my way out of Grief Canyon to get a better view.” Such a brilliant line, Alice! Brilliant insight. That’s the thing about grief and loss–the new views, the new insights. It informs everything, including our language, our writing, our very being.
    This read like a poem. Have you thought of writing poetry? To me,that’s the genre that gets to the deepest and highest places in the shortest amount of time.
    Keep writing!
    xxx Shelagh

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You nailed this one, it is eloquent, brave and as Shelagh mentioned it flows like a poem. You’ve given me such permission to grieve head on without justification. Emotional biceps are needed not to shoulder on or to be brave, but to allow myself to miss everything about Judy and love the life Roy and I created. You honor Kevin and your sacred relationship with these words.

    Liked by 1 person

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