“Don’t get me wrong: grief sucks; it really does. Unfortunately, though, avoiding it robs us of life, of the now, of a sense of living spirit.” ~ Anne Lamott
My friend’s husband cheated on her. I’m not going to tell you the details, but let’s just say there were circumstances. Because there always are, right?
Still, in her mind, the action was unforgivable. Her family agreed. But, what about her kids? He was still their dad.
My friend loved this man and never imagined him cheating. She trusted him. They were the kind of couple that fit like puzzle pieces. They made a beautiful picture.
How f*cking dare he?! Well, you know—circumstances. No, not excuses. However, yes, in hindsight, I saw his humanity and how he came to be with that other woman, practically unapologetically.
Betrayal like that breaks something in a person.
Still, for a handful of years, my friend—you know, for the sake of the kids—continued taking family vacations with this man she meant to divorce. She had every intention. Because she couldn’t forgive him.
A couple years ago when I saw her, she mentioned his name without disdain or discussion of divorce. The way his name rolled off her tongue was casual and light.
I looked into her eyes and asked, “Are you guys back together?” The answer was yes without explanation, apology or fantasy. Just solid.
“How did that happen?” I asked.
She laughed. “You know, I was really such a baby about the whole thing.”
Ha! I’d say she’d been grieving. In grief we cry. We bitch about what happened. We analyze. We decide something different every hour of every day. We turn in circles like a dog, never finding the right spot. Until we do.
Grief is a game changer. It shatters the ground we stand solid on. It takes us with it like being sucked into a sinkhole. When our foundation crumbles, so do we.
My friend is one of the most balanced people I’ve ever known in my 50-plus years. She’s not naïve or gullible, more like strong, sensible, genuine, and yes, loving.
However, in her early stages of grief, she almost checked herself into a mental hospital because she met with rage that wanted to kill and sadness that wanted to die.
Instead, she learned to rise. So did her husband—after she determined she’d be okay either way.
It took time. In her case, years. Grief—whether from betrayal, death, divorce or tragedy—doesn’t come with an expiration date. It’s not linear and each case is different.
I recently read an article about a woman who was burned—face, hands, and body—life-threatening burns, in a camp fire started by her husband. After she arrived home from the hospital, her husband hit the road because she was just too much for him to handle. However, her young daughter needed her mother. The story revealed this woman’s resilience, faith and determination.
All I could think was, F*ck! I’ve been such a baby about this whole my-boyfriend-dying thing.
Maybe. But, like my friend, I can laugh. I went into the depths of my pain and came out with my lessons. I’m coming back to myself with new awareness and understanding, compassion and certainty, which, in this chapter, this time, could only be gained by going in.
This was master’s level grief. It required more of me. It demanded I go through the dark and crazy, and invest the tears and time.
Babies cry when things are sad. They naturally honor their emotions, rather than trying to buck up. Then, they stop crying and get back to playing—after they’re all cried out. Or had a nap.
So, yeah, I guess I was a baby about the whole thing, too. And yet, I don’t regret a single tear.
2 thoughts on “I Really Was Such a Baby About the Whole Thing.”
Coming to grief about some things (and people) in my life has brought me up sharp every time. It was always about someone or something else, leaving the “me I didn’t know” empty and bereft. It was being abandoned by the third guy I ever loved that finally had me “hitting bottom”. It’s a feeling you’re going to die, quite literally, without that person, but it was also enough to get me taking a good hard look at how this pattern got itself established deep within me. After a while and some good counselling, it was like: “Duh! You silly, you were abandoned by all the important people in your childhood, and that’s what you learned and that’s what you know!” Hmmm…got me thinking, and I started to feel better, because it was me subconsciously “choosing” that stuff, and now I was free to start choosing something different, something healthier, closer to honoring my real needs for commitment, truth, honesty, and yes, love. Real love. Oh but these things take time, and absolutely, yes, the feelings must be felt because the feelings are actually our best guide to what we really want and need. I’m still dealing with some of the old and crappy self-abandoning pattern in certain areas of my life, but the core of it has cleared the way for the life I feel I deserve. Trust the feelings. They ARE telling us something! And for some of us at any rate, there may have to be some repetitions of the pattern before we start to see it. I get a lot from your writings about the topic of grief, Alice. Thank you.
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Oh, Shelagh! You’re so right on about the feelings must be felt. I feel honored that you read and mirror back to me through your writing. Yes, the feelings are a gift and we have to be willing to open them. thank you.