I’ve experienced an impossible reality; my dead boyfriend lives in me and shows me what he sees.
It happens still—not often, but there are days when I look in the mirror and see myself through my beloved’s eyes.
I gasp at my beauty and light up at the sight of me.
It’s not ego trying to gain on my good looks, or my slightly insecure self desperate to deny my faults.
No, it’s him. I see myself as he sees me.
Feminine. Bright. Easy and extraordinary.
Not flawless, but perfect with the scar on my lip—lips that call for kissing. Eyes that invite gaze. Body worthy of touch.
Seeing myself through his eyes, I feel love—intentional, chosen, yet gifted.
I’ve looked in the mirror for five decades, but not until my beloved’s death did I have this vision, this new way of seeing myself. It’s a subtle shift beyond my confident acceptance (which I worked damn hard to earn) and even praise (which served as affirming armor).
No, this way I see myself is how I saw him since the fateful few days when we slipped from friendship into the fire of love.
I looked at this man for years before I ever saw the treasure before me.
Overnight, I came to relish the sight of him—his eyes, moustache and stature that was all man.
I enjoyed looking at and touching his skin, face and long legs.
I took in the way he sat in his kitchen and office, smoked cigars and made coffee. And damn, did his smile light me up!
Now, all of that joy is mine again—from a glimpse in the mirror.
I see myself the way he saw me, the way I saw him, through the lens of sacred love.
My prayer is that I may learn to see the world with such eyes.
6 thoughts on “How I Learned to See Through the Lens of Sacred Love”
This is lovely, Alice! So simple and straightforward and obviously deeply-felt. We are changed by love, for sure: your love for the immediacy and presence of this person in your mind, and your self-concept that comes from that, too. I’ve been lucky to be married to my present husband for thirty years, and we have been through a lot together, but there has always been a foundation of mutual love and abiding friendship that kept us going. Cyril is from India, and basically a very sweet person. But it was a long hard road through recovery and spiritual practices before I was ready for this level of relationship.
Lately I’ve been catching myself in the mirror, too, and seeing something quite different in myself–a being perhaps I always was, but just couldn’t see it! A beauty there that is really even beyond what another person might see in me–I suppose you could call it “divine”–although I’m very very careful in my use of that word. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your journey. It is amazing.
P.S. this was meant to be in response to your “Lens of Sacred Love”, piece. Not sure if I did this right?
P.P.S I very often write “scared” when I mean to write “sacred”! A Freudian slip, or what! 🙂
I gasp as if I’ve tasted something delectable. I marvel at the flavor of your words and want more of that for me. There is a lot of relevance with Roy, as we walk together into our golden years with our bodies fading while our love deepens and radiates within me. I am so damn grateful. You give me hope for my enormous grief for Judy, which thankfully I am experiencing tenderness more and more. I am jumbled right now, but I have emotional biceps and I know that I am ready to embrace what comes. I am touched and inspired. Thank you.
Sharon, Roy’s your net, but you’ve fallen far. Grief does that. (Bitch!) Your words touch me, as well. Keep weaving. I’m honored that my words matter. Emotional biceps were born early for you, Sharon. Still, you don’t have to go around flexing. Life is different now. You are different now. Still strong, even in the broken places. That’s part of your beauty.
Sharon, so glad you are with us, and with yourself in the way you are,too. I have a lot of learn from you. So glad we can go forward with all of this in our writings, and with Jeff’s wonderful nurturing of this in all of us.
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Oh, Shelagh! What a fun Freudian slip! I love how your sight in the mirror is reflecting differently now. That kind of lights me up! Thank you for sharing a bit about your marriage and journey. I look forward to knowing you more. And yes, you did it so right. I’m grateful for your presence here.
Thank you Alice. I look forward to hearing/reading more of your writing, and getting to know you better, too.
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