If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. ~ James O’Barr
It’s the best story I know. So, yeah, I keep telling it.
We were Fire & Ice and all the metaphors that arise from that.
I’m still in love with Kevin (Fire). It’s not going to stop, ever.
My relationship with a man who no longer breathes serves as my example of what a man looks like when he steps up with emotional courage and as a way of life, whether or not others mirror his feelings.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.
I only guarantee I still say yes, I’d choose him. Why concern myself with something that’s not an option?
Because I want to make the best choice I ever made again, even though he’s dead.
Given the choice, I’d choose the man who chose me and erased the pain of all the times I wasn’t chosen, the man who said the words no man ever did when it came to my deepest heartaches.
I’d choose the man who knew me before I was raped, knew my rapist, and saw me rise out of the ashes.
I’d choose the man who competed with me in my selling days, and said to me, “You’re the only woman who actually cares about how my day goes out there. All my other girlfriends just wanted to know if I made money.”
We both knew how hard the sales field could be on a soul. And he knew the challenge of getting my book published.
Kevin believed in my book, my writing, and my dream of success—in such an unselfish-call-me-on-my-sh*t and remind me to go for it way.
I’d choose the guy who said this after reading my book: “This is something I’d buy at Barnes & Noble.”
He’s the guy who taught me to love my imperfections, like the scar on my lip and my tendency to be jealous—because he loved all of me.
He held my judgements up to the light without resentment or attachment.
He revealed his anger, disagreements, stories of drug days and not-always-gentlemanly ways with not one apology for who he chose to be.
I’m always going to want Kevin and the time when we embodied Fire & Ice.
I’m going to keep alive, nurture and defend the connection I have with him still, because it’s worth celebrating.
The memory of Kevin’s love is part of my story of who I am and how I became me.
It’s as much of my story as my first book. Kevin read that because he asked.
He asked to read everything I wrote. I handed him pages stained with my soul. He used them to start a Fire in me. It was more than a romantic relationship we had.
Fire and Ice—a man and a woman transcended together. So, yeah, I’m going to keep telling that story. It’s the best one I know.
But, that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop turning the pages of my life.