How the Men of My Past Helped Me Become a Better Woman.

“In order to create their beautiful plumage, peacocks sometimes eat thorns. Hard, pointed, razorlike objects are processed in their abdomens and then contribute to feathers with colors and shapes unmatched throughout nature for their extraordinary beauty. So it is with us.” ~ Marianne Williamson

To the men of my past–husbands, boyfriends, and heartbreakers: THANK YOU.

Thank you for walking with me on my path when I was immature, wild, weary, and striving to become a better woman.

As a rule, I was loyal. A few times, I wasn’t.

Too often, I looked you in the eyes and told you what I thought you wanted to hear.

I lacked the courage or the forthrightness to tell the truth. In my youth, I didn’t always know my own heart, as I clung to some imagined ideal.

I now know: each of you brought good into my life.

You presented yourself as the masculine to my feminine. Your strength stood next to my vulnerability, which I hadn’t yet grown comfortable with.

I unconsciously contorted myself into partnership I longed for, but didn’t have a model to follow that fit me.

I attracted you by being myself.

When we got in deep, I sometimes forgot how to just be me.

I admit I manipulated and made mental demands in favor of the happiness that seemed to slip away. I calculated and reasoned, judged and compared.

You didn’t have a chance. Neither did I.

Not because either of us should’ve done it differently. Our time together created the opportunity to enjoy, learn, and grow into more conscious, loving individuals.

I did. Did you?

I told my now-deceased beloved, “All beginnings are beautiful.” He said, “No, they’re not. This is different.” The statement twisted happy and sad.

Sad because Kevin’s beginnings hadn’t always been beautiful. Happy because I’d had so many, but none like that one.

With him, everything was different. Not more magical, but more natural, with the depth of a 100-year-old oak. Our relationship grew organically out of a 25-year friendship.

As partners, we fit like a favorite pair of jeans. We played like kids, but acted like adults. We stepped up and established the no-BS zone I always craved.

I doubt I could’ve embraced and embodied my truer self without my prior experiences with men.

I wouldn’t have recognized myself in the mirror if I hadn’t seen me distorted before.

Nor would I have known the giddiness of male-female fun. I’m not talking just sex, but yeah, that’s on the table. You set it well for me.

I’ve been fortunate to have so many beautiful beginnings, like flying on skis after leaving that perfect jump. It was often questionable how I’d land, but the leap with each of you was inevitable.

You were a shot of joy I couldn’t resist slamming. I love the paths we travelled—the motorcycle rides, road trips, concerts, parties, meals, and conversations.

I loved. I was loved. I lost over and over. It was worth every loss. Because I learned.

With Kevin, the lessons were relinquished to the background. I’d been planting seeds of love for decades.

Then, our crazy, sexy, cool love blossomed: Fire & Ice. I saw it, absorbed the colors, smelled the petals, and tasted every delicious moment.

Sacred love, when it arrived (and when he died), welcomed me into a new level of metamorphosis.

If it weren’t for the men before, I might’ve missed the one I was searching for.

Like Ice who avoided the Fire her whole life, when I finally stepped in, I was alchemized. I’d been practicing for that my whole life.

You each played a role in my transformation and I pray I helped you on your journey.

I’m grateful to have shared my path with you men who helped me become more of the woman I am today. THANK YOU.

Here’s wishing you the kind of love you never regret going for. 

 

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