To the Men of My Past—Husbands, Boyfriends & Heartbreakers

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THANK YOU.

Thank you for walking with me on my path when I was wild or weary. There were times I wasn’t loyal. Other times I looked you straight and told you what I thought you wanted to hear. I lacked the courage or the forthrightness to tell the truth. Too many times, I didn’t even know what that was or how I felt.

What I did know: you wonderful men brought good into my life. You presented yourself as the masculine to my feminine. Your strength stood next to my vulnerability, which I’d never grown comfortable with. I was too busy contorting myself into independence, marriage or partnership that I longed for, but didn’t know what it looked like.

I attracted you mostly be being myself, but when we got in deep, I forgot how to BE me. So, I manipulated and made demands (in my mind) for how I could scare up the happiness we had. I calculated and reasoned, judged and compared. You didn’t have a chance. And, neither did I.

Not because I—or you—should’ve done it differently. No, because the time we had was our opportunity to enjoy, learn and grow.

I did. Did you? I once told my last love, “All beginnings are beautiful.” He said, “No, they’re not. This is different.” The statement was so true I felt simultaneously sad and happy.

Sad because his beginnings hadn’t always been beautiful. Happy because ours was. And, he was right. It was different. I can’t say more magical, but definitely more natural. Our relationship grew organically—without my efforts. It was a true gift.

However, I couldn’t have embraced and become my truer self without my prior experiences with men. I wouldn’t have recognized myself in the mirror if I hadn’t seen me distorted before.

I also wouldn’t have known the giddiness of male-female fun. I’m not talking just sex, but yeah, that’s on the table. You set it well for me.

Because I’ve had my share of beautiful beginnings, I recognize the feeling, like flying on skis after leaving that perfect jump. Of course, it was often questionable how I’d land, but the leap with each of you was inevitable.

You were a shot of joy I couldn’t resist slamming. I love the paths we travelled—the motorcycle rides, road trips, concerts, parties, meals, and conversations.

I loved. I was loved. I lost over and over. With Kevin, the lessons became mostly irrelevant. Like I’d been planting seeds for years—so many beautiful beginnings. Then, this crazy, sexy, cool love blossomed.

I got to see it, absorb the color, and smell the petals. If it weren’t for the men before, I might’ve missed the one I was searching for.

Like Ice who avoided the Fire her whole life, when I finally got close, he transformed me.

As each of you did in your own way. I feel grateful to have shared my path with you men. THANK YOU.

 

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