I have a friend who dates frequently. He’s on Match.com and obviously attracts dates—first dates, some second and thirds. He told me the other night, after the fizzle with yet another woman, that he doesn’t mind listening as women dump their issues at his feet. After all, he’s a nice guy. And, he doesn’t expect sex right out of the gate, but he doesn’t want to wait six months wading through someone else’s baggage. He seems sincerely confused.

I haven’t been on his dates, so I can’t be sure, but I suspect what he might consider carrying baggage, these women may be trying to show him who they are by exposing their wounds. Yes, some women definitely dump too much on day one. However, in general, it’s our way of connecting. Consciously or not, we’re testing to see how you react to our wounds to see if you’re safe.

Being a nice guy isn’t enough to make a sane woman jump into your bed.

Plus, frankly, most of us can buy our own dinner and drinks these days. We also consider our time valuable.

My friend Bill keeps saying, “I’m a kind guy, but these women…” Well, first, being kind or being a gentleman is like being powerful. If you have to announce it, it makes me wonder. Second, who gives a crap? Nice guys are a dime a dozen. Oh, sure there are plenty of jerks. But, by a certain age, strong, successful, secure women spot the seriously flawed character as easily as crooked teeth and bad grammar.

What we’re concerned about is, if I invest my heart in this guy, will it bring me joy or pain? It doesn’t matter that you’ve bought dinner, shown us your BMW, pulled out our chair and opened the door. That’s just the bow on the box and we’ve been burned before.

Bill would say, “But I really am a nice guy! I am a gentleman! My mother raised me right!”

None of it matters if we don’t feel safe and connected.

And, if we do, we’ll make all kinds of allowances for your income, political affiliations, and even being short.

The thing Bill isn’t counting in the equation is women’s intuition and the intensity of our feelings. We know things. We know things we don’t even know we know. The things you think you’re presenting we’re peering beyond, even without intention. If you’re trying to get something from us, rather that actually get to know us, it doesn’t matter if you say and do all of what you consider to be the right things. To us, to women of quality, those actions are common courtesies. They don’t matter because we can FEEL your intentions. We can feel whether you truly care about us as unique individuals—our struggles and desires—or if you just want sex.

The fact that you think that’s something you’re out to get from us lets us know you don’t get women at all, because we actually have the same desires you do.

If we feel connected and protected, we naturally want our bodies to be part of the expression.

If we feel like you let us into your heart, we’ll let you into our body. We know (it doesn’t matter how well you do the dating game) giving our bodies doesn’t win your heart. Women want your heart. (Bitches!) You’ve revealed your unavailability and that’s a turn-off and therefore, you get turned down for sex.

I get it, guys. You don’t want the big commitment because you’re happy with your life. Well, why not consider an escort service? It’s only offensive if you’re pretending you want something you don’t. You want a beautiful woman who will do things with you when you want, especially sex, and go away so you can be happy with your life.

Women get that. We know. Really, we do. We get where you’re coming from. We just don’t like it.

If you can’t meet us where we are, how can we give you what you want?

We need to feel safe. We need to feel connected. Sometimes, we don’t like that about ourselves, but most of us, at one time or another have tried giving our bodies without our hearts, and that’s just not where we are now. The truth is we long for a man’s touch as much as you wish for a woman’s. We’re just hoping there’s some way, someday, we’ll meet the right guy, on the right path, and we’ll feel safe enough to let him seduce us, you know, like a gentleman.