Here’s why I can’t go out in public and attempt socializing. I try not to be the one and raise my hand to interrupt with the right and most interesting answer every time, which just so happens to be: Kevin! Kevin! Kevin! Everything in my mind relates to Kevin (my dead boyfriend). It’s all lovely, fascinating, relevant, but I know I’m grieving.
Grief makes people even more uncomfortable than when you’re giddy in love. It makes me want to talk about him/us/what he said to me/what he was wearing/the tone of his voice/the music that was playing—so I don’t.
The people around me are talking about…NOTHING! Speed bumps, retirement, being late… Even my own upcoming vacation sounds dull next to the exciting shit dancing in the background or my mind, movies of us I can’t stop watching.
Meanwhile, I’m making polite conversation, trying to TASTE my food, take in the décor, and BE present. Everything is loud and fuzzy.
I’m not ready to be here. I only want to be with him.